Valentine’s Day Is Approaching. Some Surviving Spouse Suggestions
We are less than a month away from Valentine’s Day; what is one of the year’s most romantic days according to the calendar? Some discover that just because the calendar, florist, restaurants, and gift shops see Valentine’s Day as romantic, you may dread the word, seeing it on billboards and TV and hearing others talking about it.
What was once a special day for you has now become a nightmare. Your Valentine has died, and celebrating now feels out of place. This day only reminds you of what you are missing. The special day on the calendar becomes a burden to you and not a day of joy. So, what do you do when your calendar is creeping up to February 14th?
One suggestion is to take control of the day and not allow the day to control you. By that, I mean, whether it is your first Valentine’s without your mate or it has been years, you control your emotions by doing the following. Instead of going out with other friends, make this Valentine’s Day a day of remembrance.
That sounds wild, I know! What if you created a unique Valentine’s Day that was not about the holiday but all about you and your departed spouse? I know this sounds wild, but hang with me here. What if you made or bought a special meal at home, set a table for you both, lit a candle in their honor, got out your journal, and recorded your thoughts about your spouse as a living memorial as you ate dinner? I don’t mean having a conversation with the departed. I suggest allowing you to stop and remember the unique things you did together. Allow yourself to remember, miss them, write your feelings, and express them out loud. This is not to make you feel bad. This allows you to say things you always wanted to say. Remember the happy, joyful time of being together. You made a lot of memories, and now you remember. It is like having a great time with a special friend and then having to say goodbye.
The unique things they said to you. Say a prayer of thankfulness for your spouse as you record the memories only you know. As you write them down, I suggest not allowing yourself to concentrate on your loss but celebrating the special relationship you had and how thankful you are for the time you had together. Celebrate how blessed you were and for the memories you shared. Your spouse is okay and would want what is best for you.
Remember this as you celebrate their life. Tell your spouse you miss them, but will be okay; it might take some time.
Now, after the holiday passes, you can look back on that day for years and remember things you probably forgot. You will never forget your spouse because they are a part of your life story. There will be some things you might not remember, and your journal will help you preserve them. The special evening you created may seem awkward, but believe me; you will treasure these memories no matter what the future holds.
Just remember, it is okay to be sad. It is okay to cry and to grieve your loss. That is the purpose of suffering. You grieve deeply because you love deeply. Do not hide or sidestep this process.
I am suggesting you make that special evening described above private, but the next day, contact your most trusted friend and tell them all about your special evening. Talking is good for your soul. Talking about your departed spouse is also good for your soul, and say their name often.
Know that others will not understand how you feel because they are not grieving the same way you are. People will say the stupidest things to you because they do not know what to say. Do not allow others to impede what you are trying to accomplish during your grieving process.
Friends will try to make you feel better. Other couples will want you to go out with them. The problem is feeling like a fifth wheel and totally out of place, yet it is good to be with supportive friends. They want to help you.
On this occasion, do this in private. You may find that being alone with the memory of your spouse may be much more comforting, and they will not understand how you feel. Again, I do not believe in talking with the departed; I am talking about having a conversation out loud to allow you to express your deepest feelings you might not say in front of others.
When remembering your spouse, try to get to a place where you can celebrate their life, the good they did, and how much better you are because they were a part of your life story.
Your story will continue, but do it as an emotionally healthy person. You will be glad you did.