Helping Your Child Who Lost A Friend
Most adults have experienced a loss of some type during their lifetime. Depending on the relationship, losing friends or family members is very uncomfortable to express. Now, put yourself in the position of a child or young adult. They may have witnessed death on television, but the experience is different when the death is someone they know personally.
When young adults of any age face the death of someone they know, the trauma can shake them to their core. Children grieve differently than adults. There is not enough space to write about all the factors on this topic. Their brains are still forming; it shakes their security, and their defense mechanisms are different. Their behavior may look normal, like playing, when they hide their feelings. They experience depression, anxiousness, anger, fear, loneliness, and abandonment and are overwhelmed.
A very young child may ask questions, but it is not an answer they are seeking; it is security. Always be honest, but never give them more than they are asking. They want to know you care and are available, not leave them.
As your child ages, so will their maturity. They may have heard about the death of a relative, but this may be the first time they have experienced someone close to them. Adolescents trying to show their independence often become self-focused and may hide from showing emotion to protect an image. Even as young adults in high school or college, they will continue to mature, yet the death of a friend may thoroughly shake their world. Just like you as a parent, there are things about death you do not understand, but you must be present for your children. They ground their security in your relationship. They need you to listen, observe, and be patient.
When a young adult experiences death, you must help navigate their journey. Do the above suggestions and watch carefully and closely to see if they silently ask for help. If you know the behavior is entirely out of the ordinary for your child, you need to step in. Please do not allow them to be alone for too long too often. Please keep a close watch and listen for signs of depression that feel outside their ordinary behavior. Remember, they will exhibit many emotions, but you will know when your child is strangely expressing themselves.
Always acknowledge their thoughts, opinions, and feelings. Be patient and open-minded, and allow them to grieve in their way. Be available to listen. Make the time to stop what you’re doing and give them your complete attention. Validate their feelings. On your own, check in with their other friends, teachers, counselors, and coaches. Monitor their social media accounts, conversations (including their cell phone), and friends.
These older teens and young adults need your love, time, and respect. Like any grieving person of any age, your presence and a listening ear are the most valuable advice you can offer.