Was it love or just bad timing?
Approximately six months after Cindy died, I visited Abilene to visit my kids at college. I received a call from Cindy’s mother on my return trip home. She told me she felt it was time I moved on with my life and informed me she was at my house, cleaning out Cindy’s clothes and had cleaned out the bathroom cabinet of all her perfumes, makeup, etc. In horror, I had no words and somehow remained in control of my car as I pulled over to understand what was happening.
After I stopped the car, my emotions went from trying to understand why she would do such a thing to the verge of going ballistic. All the things I had not touched since the funeral were no longer where I left them. She said, now, Charles, calm down and let me explain. You need to get out of your slump and move on and begin dating again for the grandchildren’s sake. I was speechless with no words. I think in shock is a better description, but she continued to explain.
She said, “Now Charles, my grandchildren, especially Vanessa, need a woman to talk to, and you must go find one.”
Shocked and in disbelief. It was as if time froze at that moment—my feelings about her invasion of my home, not to mention the betrayal of her daughter.
She said I hope you don’t mind. My response was, yes, I minded, and I asked her to leave. She said, I threw nothing away, but have everything all packed up for you. She said she put all of Cindy’s jewelry in a box because she felt the kids would like to have them. I said I wish you would have asked before doing such a thing. She assured me again that she threw nothing away. I hung up the phone without saying goodbye.
The following three-hour drive seemed like twelve. There was silence in the car, but internally, my screams were deafening as part of me wanted to see what she had done, and the other part did not want to go home to face the uninvited intrusion.
Sleeping in our bedroom day after day, Cindy’s things never bothered me. I know some men who have left the funeral home, gone home, and cleaned out all of their spouse’s belongings. I have known other men who moved much more slowly and took months or longer to deal with such things. For me, I was busy running a business and seeing my children. I was not ready to face removing her belongings and was ignoring my reality.
“Only you will know the proper time to take your next step. I was getting an unwelcome nudge I had not asked for.”
Upon arrival, my fears calmed. I realize this was an act of love and not an intrusion. Many parents lose a child. They fear when a surviving spouse remarries, we will forget them. My mother-in-law was selfless. She encouraged me to move on, and her willingness to be left behind to support her grandchildren was selfless. She placed her grandchildren above her own needs. That is genuine love.
Until this happened, I had not realized that it scared me to face my reality. I was resisting and just existing. Later, I could look back and see just how caught up I was in my contentment instead of facing my reality. There must have been a part of me that was afraid to let go. Deep down, I must have felt that she was still here as long as I kept her things. It was not until her mother stepped in and made me see the facts that I realized what I had been doing. It was not until I gave away her clothes, packed up the things I felt the kids would want, and disposed of the rest that I realized what a void I had been living, both physically and emotionally. A great friend, Shiela, told me to take some of her clothes and make a memory teddy bear for the kids. I put some things in storage and probably spent more on storage than I should have, but this process allowed me to heal in ways that, until then, I could not see or understand. The important lesson here is not how much or little you keep; it is the necessity to face your fears, deal with your reality, and move forward with your own life.
Only you will know when that time is correct to move on. I needed a little push to help me get started. I believe that her mom’s actions were not an intrusion; they were genuine love. This does not mean you should allow others to push you before you are ready. Just be open to the wisdom of those closest to you, and then step back and see if their suggestions are best for you.