3 MONTHS, 15 DAYS, AND 7 HOURS, NOW WHAT?
Grief has no timeline and no defined pathway. I hear people say, “It’s been three months, 15 days, and 7 hours and I feel lost,” or “What do I do now?” Others will say, “My spouse died three years and nine months ago, and I still ______?______ all of the time.” This blank could represent one or many different difficulties a surviving spouse is facing.
Most people are not prepared to face the loss of their spouse.
When two individuals become one in marriage, they begin to grow together. Most couples are together more than they are apart from each other. When death occurs, it is like tearing your mind, body, and soul in half. So it is entirely understandable why anyone experiencing the loss of their spouse would struggle. Grief is not just remembering your loved one; your grief is a gift to help you remember the great times together and give you confidence in your survival.
Written in the Kubler-Ross study 40 years ago, Dr. Ross recognized the different stages of a dying person. Her conclusion was five stages of grief. Those stages are actual but not linear. Not Linear, meaning not in a straight line. She identified five stages in her research: denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They are not linear because they may appear at different times in your life, more than once, and are often unexpected.
For me, it has been 23 years since Cindy died, and there is not a day that something doesn’t remind me of her. Now, do I dwell on those taught? No. Do I break down and cry? No, but nothing would be wrong if that happened as long as it was not a continual process. If my emotions become uncontrollable, then I would need to seek professional help.
Years later, after Dr. Ross’s findings, other experts in her field expanded the stages from five to seven to nine.
The nine included
- hope
- anxiety
- depression
- denial
- pain
- guilt
- anger
- bargaining
- acceptance
To add to the above list, the second round of depression, revival, or a spiritual renaissance.
Grief is a handy tool designed to help us cope with the heartache of loss.
Fear, tears, loneliness, heartbreak, sadness, anxiety, panic, and guilt are just a few of the emotions and physical symptoms you may experience. Some of them will feel like they are all attacking you simultaneously, and some may be so overwhelming that you want to give up. Don’t! You are here for a purpose, and the loss of your spouse does not diminish your purpose.
When you lose your spouse, it often feels like your life just ended, but it hasn’t, and you must fight those feelings. If they persist, call for help. As I said, you and your husband were created for a purpose. It is difficult, if not impossible, to define that purpose while trying to make sense of your loss. Still, each of you has a purpose during our days that only our creator knows.
I do not believe her death was in vain when my wife died. I do not think it was God’s Will that she had cancer. This earth is a fallen place where death and disease are a daily part of this life. Still, God allowed her to go to her Heavenly home in His timing, not mine.
If I had my way, she would not have died, but I believe God had bigger plans for all of us. Much of this is too long to write about here. I covered much of this in my book, but know you have a purpose before, during, and after your spouse. Remember the good times. Treasure the gift you were given and savor those precious memories knowing there is still good to come.
Now that you have experienced loss, look at how much you have to offer others who don’t know what you know.
Be a blessing to those people, and in turn, they will be able to bless others in the future.
Many times the reason people don’t move on is that their focus needs to be adjusted. While married, your focus was to please your spouse, and much of your time was spent there. Now, change your direction to your first love of God; He will provide comfort beyond our understanding.
For those who have never known God personally, open your Bible and start reading. Don’t worry about understanding everything. Just allow God’s Word to speak to you, and you will find the peace every griever seeks.
If you have any questions, please let me know. Please follow me on my Facebook page.
God bless you!
Charles